What to Feed a Death Row Inmate

Steak, bacon, fried okra / potatoes / eggs and ice cream are the most commonly requested last meals for Arizona death row inmates, according to the Arizona Department of Corrections website.

With almost everyone on the planet casting the death sentence upon Tucson shooter Jared Loughner many of us are speculating over what his last meal might be and hoping it will be served very, very soon.

I have a better idea.

Let the condemned killer order his last meal. Summon excellent chefs to freshly prepare the meal in the jail facility, right before the killer’s eyes and nose. Let the chefs taste often and make many “Mmmmmm!” moans of pleasure. Go crazy with the deep fryer. This should be done slowly to tantalize the killer’s empty stomach.

Maybe spread a fine linen tablecloth and light some candles. Use silver and fine China.

When at last the meal is ready duct-tape the killer’s mouth shut and let the jail staff dine. Let him watch, and smell, but leave the duct tape in place. Polish off every morsel.

Done? Let ’im swing, as the hangman said, and everyone goes home happy. Staff gets fed; the execution is sterile and costs nothing.

This will only work for a short time until word gets out and condemned killers order fried worms for their last meal. Then we will have to rely on family advice – or read the books these death row inmates write during their decades in prison.

“Mmmmmmm,” just a thought.

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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.

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