I Don’t Understand
I assumed by the time I turned 50 I would have life all figured out. Wow, was I wrong! Here are some things I still haven’t sorted out:
Why are there so many ways to spell Ketchup — and is it an acceptable source of Vitamin C?
“Do my thing.” As in, “I stepped outside to do my thing.” What thing? And what are you doing to it?
Why anyone would mail money for a free catalog. [More on this in a future column.]
Curds. Curds do not belong in the cheese group. Silly Putty group, perhaps.
White gold. Isn’t that an oxy-moron?
Why we ever drink again after a really bad hangover.
Why bleach stains don’t wash out.
10,000 Maniacs In My Tribe album. Such cheerful music behind boo-hoo lyrics. Imagine Madonna substituting “Holiday!” with “Gloom and doom!”
Why some parents [mine] teach their children about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny but never mention Jesus. Seriously — I had no idea why my folks took me to this huge old building with fancy windows, nor why they wandered off at one point and drank some wine.
Television (see above).
Why people say “12 noon.” I mean, when else is noon? Same for midnight.
Why solar power stations waste precious water and make more hot air to generate electricity. Why can’t these towers collect sunlight and store it in nice batteries, the way RVers do?
Why river people grocery shop in bikinis. Grocery stores are cold. Girls look awkward browsing with arms folded across chests.
Why most of our brains switch off when we call a radio station. I go blank every time I dial KLPZ!
Why astronomers in movies always listen to classical music whilst gazing through enormous telescopes. Wouldn’t AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long be more appropriate? You just know the stargazer is going to see something alarming.
Why ‘monosyllabic’ has so many syllables?
Why there are trials for the indisputably guilty Jared Loughners of the world. Really, what is there to decide?
And finally – for now – why the heck is Pakistan irked at us?
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Cate Mueller is a web designer, editor, reporter and photographer in Bouse, Arizona. To visit her website, click here.