Off The Wall #2

Spam Cruise

I’m a busy guy so I don’t get a chance to vacation much. A trip to Laughlin is pretty much it for me. I’ve never been to Europe or the Caribbean. I’ve never even been on a cruise ship. A while back a cruise ship broke down off the California coast, although “broke down” may be an understatement when describing a floating city with 5,000 passengers onboard.

I was watching the drama unfold on the news when they mentioned that food was airlifted out to the ship while it was being towed back to port in San Diego. Included in the food delivery was an entire pallet of Spam.

I realize it was all an unplanned incident, but if they had a cruise ship that served only Spam, I would be the first one across the gangplank.

“Honey, we’re going on a Spam Cruise!” I would announce proudly.

My dream cruise would include several restaurants and eateries, all serving Spam. The bars would feature Spam margaritas and the ship’s nightclub would include a huge Spam dance floor with a cover band named Flaming Spam providing the music.

I’m not really sure what Spam is, and I don’t care. If you told me Spam was a mixture of squirrel eyeballs and the gunk that forms on the edge of a hockey puck after an NHL game, I wouldn’t care. I wouldn’t care because I love Spam. If it was socially acceptable, I would eat Spam for every meal. I would sleep on a Spam bed with Spam sheets and a Spam comforter. I would wear Spam on my feet instead of shoes. I love Spam.

Fried Spam is one of the healthiest and most delicious foods known to man. Well, the most delicious anyway.

First discovered by Jonathon Spam back in 1430 A.D., Spam is a naturally-occurring food that is mined like ore in Morocco and Southern Italy. Christopher Columbus brought cans of Spam to the New World and the Native Americans were so happy, they created a Spam holiday they called Thanksgiving, where they gave thanks to Spam.

The largest church in St. Petersburg, Russia has a dome roof made entirely from Spam, and the Spam has covered that church for over 350 years without being eaten, even during the World War II siege by the German army.

Spam is considered a delicacy in parts of Indonesia, where they also use it to treat malaria.

Spam is the most expensive and rarest element known to man. People in Southern Africa trade diamonds for Spam.

American scientists attempted to use Spam to create a chain reaction nuclear explosion while working on the atomic bomb in 1945, but they ended up eating the spam and using uranium instead.

Spam. Think about it. Spam.

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Randy Hartless is Executive Director of the Parker Area Chamber of Commerce, columnist for the Arizona Independent and regular contributor on KLPZ 1380am.