Off The Wall #8

As many of you know, I’m not real fond of going to the movies because there are too many idiots who are fond of going to the movies.

The cell phone talkers, the “Hey I’m in my living room so I’ll just speak my mind during this movie” people, the people who bring babies and the rest of the moronic wave.

But the other day I received a special invitation to attend a movie where they were filming a commercial for the movie theater and I cannot resist hamming it up for a commercial. I’m already in two commercials that they show on the movie screen before the movie starts, so I figured I could dominate the big screen at my local movie theater by getting my mug in yet another bit of film lore.

At one point we were waiting for the commercial filming to begin and I decided a giant tub of popcorn would taste good and serve as a distinguishing prop, but the kid behind the counter told me it was fake popcorn.

“It’s just a prop,” he said.

“It’s propcorn!” I yelled out, excited that I could invent such a snappy new term while simultaneously saddened by the fact that I would remain popcornless throughout the course of a two-hour movie.

“Could I have some with futter on it, please?” I asked.

“What’s futter?” the kid asked.

“It’s fake butter that you pour over propcorn,” I said.

After we filmed the commercial, we got to actually go in and see a free movie. In this case, it was the 3D film Conan the Barbarian. I wouldn’t normally go to such a movie, but I was intrigued by the 3D movie idea. I know every other movie these days is released in 3D, but I haven’t been to a 3D movie for a very long time. In fact, the last 3D movie I saw was Friday the 13th 3D, which was in 1982. Okay, it’s been a few years.

I figured the 3D technology might have progressed in the nearly 30 years since last I ventured into the 3D realm, and my young friend John Wright agreed.

“Friday the 13th? Wow, that was awhile ago,” the 30 year-old John said. “I’d love to talk with you afterwards to see what you think!”
Apparently I am a living testament to the advancement of technology. Thanks, John.

So we had fun participating in the commercial and everybody got to do a “Better watch the glare from Randy’s head” joke for the cameraman, and then we sat down to watch the movie. They gave us the special 3D glasses (not the paper ones with one red shade and one blue shade anymore) and I anxiously awaited this new experience.

As the movie began, I put on my glasses and I must say I was disappointed. Not that I have vivid memories of Friday the 13th 3D, but this just looked blurry, dark and decidedly two dimensional.

“This is it?” I whispered to my wife. “This looks crappy.”

“I think it looks great,” my wife said.

I watched for a few more minutes before taking my glasses off to check for imperfections, despite the fact that I probably couldn’t fix said imperfections if they existed. That’s just how we men folk roll. As I examined the glasses, it struck me how much they looked like my… sunglasses. Yeah, I put on my sunglasses instead of the 3D glasses.

Makes you wonder if I might’ve sat through the entire film and then walked outside and put on my 3D glasses and said, “This looks awesome. The sun is unusually intense today.”

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Randy Hartless is Executive Director of the Parker Area Chamber of Commerce, columnist and regular contributor on KLPZ 1380am.