My morning at the Social Security Office

Recently I had to get my Social Security card replaced. This process is free, but awfully time consuming. It should be mentioned that the Social Security office in Parker is only open on Mondays and staffed by just one person. This brave soul traveled from Needles to assist a mob of people with issues ranging from basic questions to complicated filing for benefits. In fact, of the fifty plus people I saw come in and out that day about 25% of them had issues that could have easily been handled online.

Now it would’ve been easy to become impatient and allow the wait to get the better of me (I witnessed this take place in the seat behind me), but instead I chose to post my observations on Facebook. This helped to pass the time and what I found was a smörgåsbord of humor.


It’s a cloudy morning as I wait outside the Parker Public Library. The door to the Social Security Office opens and we all rush in. There’s a mad dash to the table where the number box awaits. I grab a number, find a seat, and await my turn. Let the observations begin!

*Contrary to initial reports it is possible to squeeze 50 people into a closet-like space.

*Some people aren’t that sly when “Picking a Wedgie”.

*The woman in front of me is reading a romance novel and breathing heavily.

*As the current applicant at the desk is learning, it’s not a good idea to apply for a new S.S. card while wearing a hoodie and

*It’s disheartening to hear “14” as the next number called when you have the number “38”.

*There’s a lot of people that love to wear the scent “Old Smoker”.

*The interior of “The Closet” must have been decorated by Country Thyme because there’s a giant rooster on the wall that says “Grandpa’s Farm” under it.

*When sitting three feet from the bathroom it IS totally possible to hear that Number 31 is going Number 2.

*Not sure, but it seems that everyone in this room is sick from something.

*Seriously, is this a Smoker’s Anonymous meeting or something?!

‎*The guy at the desk is wearing an old RED PONY SALOON jacket!

‎*The paint color in this room resembles baby poop, which coincidentally is what the kid next to me has in his diaper…C’MON!!

*I’m starting to get a vibe that the creepy guy across the room has either killed someone or is extremely constipated.

‎*This woman just told the S.S. administrator, “I’m confused when I go on the computer.” To which the S.S. admin responded, “What confuses you?” The woman then said, “I don’t know!” …. I believe we’ve found the problem!

*When a room full of people talk simultaneously it sounds like a bunch of geese and it takes everything I have to not shout “HONK”!

‎*Seriously there’s a baby here that looks like Stewie Griffin!

*When the S.S. admin has to correct the spelling of YOUR child, it may be time to brush up on your alphabet skills, Daddy-O.

*Holy Crap! Baby Stewie just ripped out someone’s hoop earring!!

*Never wear hoop earrings to a SS office.

*Some guy just gave a 5 minute shpiel about his situation, but none of it can be handle here…He looks kinda upset!

‎*WooHoo number 34! Just 4 more to go!

*The guy keeps saying, “In Washington we…” Hey partner, This ain’t Washington!! Move along, Move along…

*No one is using the complimentary hand sanitizer. This troubles me greatly.

*I swear Kenny Rogers just walked in…Now I can’t get “The Gambler” out of my head. …You gotta know when to hold ’em….Know when to fold ’em…

*Dear applicant at desk, How does you being called for Jury Duty in 2005 pertain to your lack of proper I.D.? Sincerely, Number 38

*Yaaaaaay Number 38!! And she’s walking away?! HEEEEY!

‎*Oh, apparently she was thirsty.

*Just two minutes at the desk and I’m already finished…That’s a new state record!!

* It pays to have the application filled out before hand. …You never count your money, when it’s laying on the table… AHHHHHH! KENNY ROGERS!!

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