Warning: off-road fever alert

Off-road fever is a debilitating disease that is known to afflict many residents and visitors of the Parker area at this time of year. There’s no known cure, though doctors say it is possible to manage the symptoms this weekend.

What symptoms afflict the patient suffering from off-road fever?

Patients will experience a draw toward areas of open desert; in this respect the sickness manifests in the opposite manner to agoraphobia. Often, patients will be found spending days and nights in the desert near other sufferers of the condition, even being known to sleep there, and often having left perfectly good homes and warm beds in order to do so.

This behavior is supported by a sequence of decisions which allow the symptoms to continue, such as building fires, purchasing beverages and food, and buying frozen water to act as makeshift refrigerators. All of this enables the patient’s primary symptom.

Those afflicted with the most extreme cases of off-road fever have it even worse. Those with ‘aggravated off-road fever’ experience a need to move at high speeds through aforementioned desert areas, and will go to great lengths to indulge this feeling. The primary manner with which this speed is attained is to sit inside of vehicles which are capable of attaining it. However, such vehicles are not easy to come by, so an entire ecosystem has built up to support the patients’ behavior, including high-performance engines, special tires and suspension systems.

In the past quarter-century, off-road fever has become more extreme. Large numbers of patients gather together and manifest their symptoms collectively, bringing all sorts of equipment and transportation, including their ‘race’ vehicles and sometimes helicopters, with them. These events are recorded and played back by the patients later, when possible, all aimed at scratching the itch.

This weekend, one such manifestation is set to occur in Parker, Arizona. Residents and visitors should be aware that off-road fever is contagious. Persons not yet affected are at high risk of becoming afflicted. Look out for these early signs of infection:

• Interest in getting off asphalt or other hard surfaces.
• Enjoyment of the odor of gasoline or engine exhaust.
• Expressions of a desire to go to a ‘driver’s meeting’.
• Expressions of a desire to see ‘Contingency’ or ‘Tech.’
• Outfitting one’s road vehicle with all-terrain tires.
• Experiencing pleasure from airborne dust.

Off-road fever appears to be incurable, and many who have caught it have never found relief. So, patients and their caregivers are urged to manage the symptoms safely this weekend. Don’t indulge them too much.

The health of the southwestern U.S. is at stake.