The Republican Presidential “Preference” election is over and my first thought was what a waste of time and money.
That is until I saw the election results. There were no less than 23 candidates on the ballot, including the usual suspects like Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Ron Paul and Rick Santorum. Even the crazed Texan Rick Perry was on the ballot, despite dropping out of the presidential race some time ago. Apparently 10 voters in La Paz County either don’t know he dropped out or they still support him anyway, because 10 people voted for him. Their loyalty is noted, although their decision-making remains suspect.
But what I really found intriguing about the election was the 18 other people who were on the ballot. Who are these unknown candidates vying for our votes? I wasn’t sure so I did some research:
Donald Benjamin– this guy actually received one vote in La Paz County but I’m almost certain the person who voted for him had no idea who he was. However, if I had voted, I may very well have cast my vote for Donald Benjamin, who swears he will only take $73, 423.16 in annual salary. Where he came up with that figure isn’t real clear, but I like the oddness of it.
Benjamin, who is a college professor, also states that he will require all government forms to be no more than one page in length. The more I read, the more I like this guy. Benjamin says that after the forms are reduced to one page, “English instructors from throughout the nation will be invited to critique each document, reviewing them for awkwardness, usage, legalese, moronic repetitiveness, hyperbole, ambiguity, paradox, contradiction, inconsistency, and toxicity.”
He concludes his platform by apologizing to Congress for suggesting they go home for two years while sixth graders run the legislative branch of our government, although he adds that it “still seems like a good idea since the sixth graders would do a much better job.”
Done deal, sir—you have my vote, assuming you run in the general election in November.
Sara Gonzales– she also received two votes in La Paz County, although in this case I’m certain the two people who voted for Sara Gonzales have absolutely no clue who she is. In fact, Sara Gonzales shouldn’t even be on a ballot that says the word “Republican” because she is the furthest thing from a Republican.
Gonzales’ platform includes ending all war, tearing down the border wall between Mexico and the United States, vetoing the Keystone Oil Pipeline project, ending the death penalty and closing Guantanamo Bay. She adds that, “I get most of my news from the Daily Show, Saturday Night Live, Democracy Now and posts my Facebook friends share. And now I can say I once ran for President of the United States. Booyah!”
She goes on to admit that much of the government process is confusing, but still thinks she’d be a great choice because, “I’m pretty.” Well, okay, she is pretty. That also gives her a leg up on Hillary Clinton.
Michael Levinson– this guy wears the goofiest pair of glasses I’ve ever seen, but he has several interesting ideas. He proposes a “National Car Lottery” to give everyone a shot at new car ownership as well as to jumpstart the auto industry and his “Loose Pennies Program” calls for all of us to send our pocket change to the federal government to pay for healthcare. Personally, I’d love to send my loose change to pay for healthcare if it meant I could actually hang on to the rest of my money.
Levinson’s 96 year-old mother designed his political website and refers to herself as “the oldest webmaster in cyberspace!” She got the “oldest” part right, but she’s reaching on the “master” part, based on the website design. Levinson’s mom says, “My son is a poet prophet with a world class program to change the course of human history on our Good Ship Mother Earth.” Sounds more like the Good Ship Lollipop, mom.
Jim Terr– my favorite candidate on the Republican Presidential Preference ballot was undoubtedly Jim Terr, whose campaign slogans are “A Chicken In Every Garage!” and “Give Jim Terr a Chance To Steal From You!” There’s nothing more refreshing than an honest politician.
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Randy Hartless is Executive Director of the Parker Area Chamber of Commerce, columnist and regular contributor on KLPZ 1380am.