Off The Wall #3

Meat Dress

I’m not very talented. Oh sure, I can stick my head directly into a ceiling fan without much harm (yes, I’ve tried it), I can play online computer games with the best of them and I am a published writer, assuming this gets published.

I also love music and I’m a singeralonger, especially when driving alone in my truck. The thing is, I enjoy singing but I’m not very good at it. I also enjoy astrophysics and automotive repair but NASA hasn’t consulted with me as of late and you don’t want me anywhere near your vehicle. Trust me on this one.

I’m sure that many of you fall into that same category, which brings me to my point: who is Lady Gaga? If you’ve never heard of Lady Gaga, then you are reading this from your cave in the hills north of Kingman somewhere, because Lady Gaga is in the news more than the war in Afghanistan. But who is she? I do not know. All I know is that she’s a singer and—based on her income—I’m guessing she’s very good at it.

I’m guessing because I’ve never really heard a Lady Gaga song, at least that I’m aware of. But if you Google the name Lady Gaga, you’ll get 2,080,000 hits. Google my name and you’ll get 5,860 hits. Not bad for a small town hack writer, but only the first 50 of them are actually about me. Again, not bad, but I have a long way to go to catch up with Lady Gaga.

One writer described Lady Gaga as “the biggest pop star in the world that doesn’t have fans so much as disciples.” Well, I guess I’m not one of them, because I’m still not sure who she is or why she has such rabid fans, which she calls her “Little Monsters.” Ironically, that is what I called my children, but that’s another story.

I have what I refer to as my Lady Gaga Rule. Most of the Lady Gaga stuff I see in the news just passes in one ear and out the other. Or—since I said I see it—it passes in one eye and out the other. The two exceptions to the Lady Gaga Rule is when she wore a meat dress and her political statements, particularly about Arizona.

Lady Gaga’s meat dress, made entirely from flank steak, included a stylish little flank steak hat. My first thought was we ought to just throw the whole package on a big barbecue and have a flank steak party, but the long wig she was wearing would’ve stunk up the place.

The reason I thought this—besides the fact that I enjoy a good steak—had more to do with Lady Gaga’s politics. No, she’s not a politician, but like many celebrities, she feels compelled to tell us How Things Should Be. I think Sean Penn is a great actor, but that simple fact does not make him a great thinker, a great social commentator or a great philosopher, just a guy who’s good at pretending to be some other guy.

So here’s my advice to you, Lady Gaga: stick to what you apparently do best. You’re neither the Second Coming of Christ nor Martin Luther King, Jr.; you’re just a woman who is an accomplished songwriter, singer and performer. Oh, and lose the meat dress. It might look cool for a couple of hours, but nobody is going to want to take you home in that thing.

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Randy Hartless is Executive Director of the Parker Area Chamber of Commerce, columnist and regular contributor on KLPZ 1380am.